Nearly a decade ago, I wasn’t on the road to becoming an author. I was a member of a special kind of group therapy. One woman in my group joined after her husband got out of jail and threatened to kill her. Another woman had been living with her husband’s abuse for decades, unable to leave because of the financial constraints he had placed her under. A third woman joined after her wealthy husband nearly strangled her to death, then had his family pool money to buy the judge who threw the case out of court — despite rock-solid evidence of his crime.

Then there was me, the one who was supposed to be shot and buried in a forest. I joined the domestic violence group after years of my then partner’s questionable behavior and a pregnancy that seemed to kick it all into overdrive. My child was almost two years old when I left. During that kid’s short life, the police had been called by our neighbors countless times. I didn’t tell anyone the truth because I was a stay-at-home mother with no income, a very young child, and a partner who kept my bank account and gas tank empty at all times (he periodically took my keys and phone as well). 

The only time I ever made a record of his abuse was when I was pregnant. When I told my midwife about it and showed her the bruises, she told me I was probably overreacting because she had met him, and he was a nice guy. It was probably just stress. Ashamed, I declined to make a police report. 

He has never been and will never be charged with the abuse that I’m alleging he inflicted on me (and I will always have to use that word — alleged — because the claims in this article will never be proven in court). Now, I watch helplessly as he goes through the same pattern with another woman whom he’s conditioned to hate me, to never believe my story.

Van Life Is Not the Problem

The real problem is, abusive men are horribly insecure. They don’t truly believe in their own value, despite whatever they say. They gravitate toward partners who are also insecure, or who are patient and understanding — partners who will shower them with love, adoration, and constant attention. When their partners gain self-esteem or the attention begins to dry up, the abuser becomes irrationally angry. He or she will lash out to keep the status quo, with them on top and their victim constantly subservient to their desires. We need to raise men who value kindness and caring more than they value competition.

Another problem is, the majority of abusive men don’t face consequences. They walk the earth calmly because they have little to no remorse and know how to stay invisible. When police are called, they aren’t sobbing or curled up in a corner, trying to stay safe from a seemingly nonexistent threat. To be a little trite, they’re cool as cucumbers. This is how abusers commonly appear to police after incidents of violence: 

• They’re deeply understanding of the tragic psychoses from which their wives/girlfriends/partners are suffering (because they caused or contributed to those conditions). 
• Their statements are vague (because the specifics would be damning).
• They’re just trying to help and make the best of a bad situation (because victim blaming has always worked before). 
• They’re joking around with the cops (because that’s their lifeline). 
• They’re alright, really (because they’re most believable that way).

Meanwhile, their victims are choking on tears, and even if they do mention the abuse they’ve suffered, they will almost always blame themselves — a factual tidbit I learned from military police training and exemplified in my own life. This is how domestic violence victims (myself included) look to the cops after episodes of abuse:

• They’re sobbing uncontrollably or look to have been crying moments before (because they’ve been abused).
• They nervously look around as they speak (because they’re afraid of consequences should their abuser overhear).
• They fidget to control their anxiety (because there’s a ton of pressure on them to exonerate their abuser).
• They often mention their own mental health problems without context (because they’ve been conditioned to blame themselves and they want to distract from the real issue — that they’re being abused).
• They’re eager to take the blame for abuse (because they’re dependent on their abusers for money, food, shelter, and the bits of affection he/she gives to keep them hooked). In fact, Gabby Petito took so much blame that the police somehow decided she was the aggressor despite a 911 eyewitness report of Petito’s fiance repeatedly slapping and hitting her. This is also despite the fact that police officers are trained to see past the blame and shame of domestic violence scenarios (but don’t worry; I’m sure they’ll keep their jobs).

By the time my abuser’s violent behavior was exposed, I had been trained to question my sanity through a series of small efforts that snowballed over time: insults, gaslighting, and lies. Because of this, I wasn’t aware of how dangerous my situation actually was until he began planning my death (to my face), buying the necessary tools to dispose of me (parading them in front of me was a fear tactic to keep me paralyzed), and telling me daily that nobody would miss me when I was gone (he was so sure he had me broken). If I hadn’t left, it’s likely I would’ve been another headline, another statistic, another person lost to domestic violence.

Some of Us Leave and Others Don’t

Sometimes I wonder why it was possible for me to get away from such a bleak situation while some never do. Gabby Petito was smart, she had friends, her family cared about her, but none of that was enough. There are no easy answers to this; every victim of domestic violence has their reasons for staying. My guess is, she died because she was planning to leave rather than give up on her dreams and made the fatal mistake of telling him so. If someone is the victim of domestic violence, they do not owe their abuser advance warnings or explanations; their only responsibility is their own safety.

Luckily, my own abuser was careless and disorganized. He reported my bank card stolen every time I left the house but scattered change on the floor after bar outings (Gabby Petito shared financial resources with her fiance). Though my abuser separated me from friends and family by distance, he wasn’t successful in cutting them completely out of my life (Gabby Petito lived with her abuser’s family in a state far away from her own, then in a van only with him). And though he relentlessly tore me down, he also demanded that I go back to college so he could live off my siphoned student loans — a move that raised my self-esteem, strengthened my resolve, and gave me more to live for than my child alone (Gabby Petito’s fiance told her she couldn’t achieve her goals, and after she persisted, she turned up dead).

Although final autopsy reports aren’t in as of this writing, and although her fiance is still missing, I expect two things in the weeks to come: I believe it will be found that Gabby’s fiance killed her, and if the body of her fiance is found (I refuse to use his name), I believe we’ll be inundated by articles spinning the “romantic” story of star-crossed lovers — of a fiance so wracked with guilt he killed himself. Don’t buy into it. Besides, it’s more likely he’s alive and well, hiding out somewhere that isn’t Florida.

Save A Life: Believe Someone

Some people are probably reading this article with the same sense of grief that spurred me to write it. Others can’t relate but might be wondering how to help. Before you insert yourself in the middle of someone else’s life, please understand that you can’t force a domestic violence victim to leave their abuser if they’re not ready. I know that may sound insane, but there are solid reasons for this: they may not be emotionally ready to leave, they may not have anywhere else to go, they may not be allowed to have a job or possess money, and they may have intense fears about the consequences of leaving. What these survivors need is a plan, a place to hide money, mental health resources, and a solid support system filled with people who believe their story. 

They also need someone to call the police every time there’s a problem because it sends both them and their abuser the message that what’s happening is not normal or acceptable. When violence goes unchecked, abusers get the message that their actions won’t meet resistance or consequences while victims tend to think nobody cares. Additionally, abusers may come to believe that they’re invulnerable and that nobody is looking out for their victim, which equates to greenlighting more dangerous behavior.

Abuse Can Happen to Anyone

Although most of this article has been dedicated to male-on-female violence (which is the most common kind, with 1 in 3 women suffering some form of intimate partner violence and 1 in 4 suffering more severe violence), it’s important to know that this is something anyone can experience regardless of gender, age, race, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. I’m strong and smart, and it still happened to me.

Chances are, someone who is being or has been abused by a partner is reading this post right now. If that’s you, please know that you’re not alone, it isn’t your fault, you are not crazy, and there is a way out — even if it’s difficult. If you’re being abused by a domestic partner, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website (you can hit the ESC key to leave their site fast if necessary).

You Deserve a Happy Ending

When you’re in the grip of abuse, you tend to question whether escape is possible and whether you deserve a better life. It takes a little work and a lot of planning, but it is possible and you do deserve better. How do I know? Because I got mine and watched other women get theirs by accepting help. One by one, we took steps to reclaim our power, our individuality, our happiness.

I collected change from the floor until I had hidden enough money for a tank of gas. I arranged to go back to my parents’ house on a certain day (my father had seen this coming and kept reminding me I always had a home with them, which was the one thing that made it possible for me to drop my pride and go). Then I waited until my partner went to work, anxiously packed all my child’s things and a few of mine, and I left. Thereafter, I rebuilt my life little by little with the help of a lot of people and organizations who cared. Now, with that darkness behind me, I can pursue my own goals and live on my own terms.

Please Help

If you’re in a position to help, please consider donating to the National Domestic Violence Hotline here. They help thousands of people begin the road to an abuse-free life every day. Even if it’s only a dollar, every little bit counts. By raising awareness and helping those who need it, we can reduce the frequency of domestic violence and prevent tragedies like the story of Gabby Petito.

Where do we go from here?

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